okay, so I've always been told since the day i could talk, i was important, destined for great things. i beg to differ. well, not completely. i do live a good life, i mean, living two of them sometimes gets hard to keep after, but i like them both. i have to be as sneaky around "The Mormons" as possible. i get it, some people think that that is REALLY bad. i can understand where they are coming from, but i am different. i have always, been different. thinking back on my life, i can see why i live two lives. because no matter where i am, i have been surrounded by two extremely different groups of people. as mentioned before, we have "The Mormons" and new to this game, "The Popular Crowd." as one may assume, the Mormons have brought me much more good times than the Populars. but by good, i mean like, Jesus good. the Populars, they have brought me good times as in, drinking, parties, and what most parents and adults would call, bad stuff. and i love them both. its weird, seeing the very noticeable difference between the two. how easily you could pick out who's who, just by the way they dress, act, talk, and..well, feel. not in a physical sense, an almost spiritual sense. you know? i favor the Populars over the Mormons any day though. sorry, its true.
the reason i started this is to tell others of the absolute shit i have been through. this is a very dramatic story. it is sometimes funny, hilarious really. sometimes it will be depressing uplifting, or scary. very scary. but no matter the story you read here on this blog, it is all true. every last bit of it. from beginning to end. you may want to share it with others who need it, so do it. i encourage it, because living the life i have lived is nothing i ever want anyone else to experience. not the beginning at least. most definitely not the beginning my message for you right now, comes from the amazing Bob Marley. "Live the life you love, and love the life you live." so no matter what you do, smoke, drink, steal, anything, do what you do. but always remember, your the one messing your own life up. no one else. think about it that way
time to actually start from the beginning. it really all started in 7th grade. i was a complete loser. i wore super skinny pants, purple Nike basketball shoes, and i liked all that shitty mainstream music that was on the radio like 4 years ago. i hate mainstream music now. oh, and for a backpack, i had a satchel, just putting that out there. i hung out with really popular kids in Jr. high. Chase, Jake, and Devon (Dev-on, hes black.) Jake is actually one of my really good friends now. i don't know what drove me to chill with them, they were losers. i remember one time i had just gone shopping with my mom. i got what i had thought was the best outfit ever. they were the coolest pants in the world. along with a really sick shirt. it was a Volcom stone shirt and grey skinnies. with dc shoes. it wasn't really all that amazing, but in my 11 year old mind, i thought it was. i even remember my thinking process. it went something like "maybe if i dress really cool, everyone will finally notice me! Chase and Jake and them will stop being so mean to me at last!" i was quite the little hopeful back in those days. but now I've found reality. if i was asked to define reality for someone, i would tell them it was a hand, a cold, dead, unforgiving hand that grabbed you by the throat and never let you go until you realized the true shit-tasticness of life, and how every television show we have ever watched , every fantasy you've ever had about how your world would change just for you was fake. unreal, and not true, never to be either.
i woke up the next morning feeling ready to face the day with a smile and see my best friends in the whole entire universe. i had actually convinced myself that's how it would go down. but of coarse, it didn't. i got to school in my freshly purchased articles of clothing, and walked out of the bus onto the cool pavement. with a heart full of good intentions and innocence, i marched straight up to my "friends" and said with a smile that reached from the school to the edge of the galaxy, "aren't these new clothes awesome?! i just got them last night and my mom said they were awesome. what do you thi-" i was then cut off by Jake. "you look like, probably the biggest faggot Ive ever seen!" the laughter that followed this remark immediately afterwards, was the biggest slap in the face i have to say, i had ever felt, and to this day, i can hardly think of a time i can remember pain that intense. it was the most heartbreaking thing anyone had ever said to my little prepubescent face. i was crushed, they had said terrible things to me before, but i always expected it. it was my fault half the time, i would say Chase's shirt was cool, or Devon was funny, and they'd tell me to fuck off. but i knew it was a joke...that's the kind of mind-set i had for the first half of my life. if someone said something mean to me, it was a joke, so i would then proceed to laugh it off as such. "it really doesn't look that good?" i asked teary eyed. "No, i will not cry" i thought. "not here." they then laughed again and almost simultaneously blurted out a "yes!" and they walked away laughing harder then anyone id ever seen laugh before. i started to cry, i started to weep. not just tears of sorrow, but tears of stupidity. i felt sorry for myself, because i looked stupid. my shoes were purple and green, my shirt was red, and my pants were grey. i wasn't matching in any sense of the word. i felt beyond lame. so much in fact, that i left school. i ran home like kids in the movies when a bully hurts their feelings. come to think of it, my life so far could be a movie. a very real, a very disturbing, and a very saddening movie about how life really is.
i was sobbing so hard i almost could breathe. i walked in the front door if my house we had just moved into. there were still boxes scattered everywhere. i lied my backpack down on my floor. then made my way to my bed. i sat down, looked around, and burst into tears. i hadn't cried that much for so long, and i thought i was being a pussy for it. i was so retarded i couldn't even match my own clothes. i had no friends except for the ones that had just made me cry. but obviously they were kidding around, so why was i crying? i finally regained my composure after about thirty minutes of self pity, then changed my clothes to something simple that matched this time. i grabbed my stuff..then i looked in the mirror. my eyes were so red and swollen i can't even tell you. i started to cry a little more. then i walked out of the front door and back to my school. to the absolute shit hole i called a school. i actually loved this particular Jr. high, but i hated my experiences there. it would only continue more aggressively as the year went on.
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